SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SKI SUNDAY CL 1st Qualifier 2nd Leg
‘Not sure if he got a touch, maybe he got a touch, don’t know if that was a touch, but even if he got a touch, it was a great touch as touches go…And I’ll talk and talk and talk while the game rages on. Whit? That’s full-time?”
Celtic TV co-commentator. Who likes to talk…
“The manager of Estonain champions Unpronouncables FC said he is really looking forward to pitting his wits against Steven Gerrard’s Rangers’ conquerors and tormentors, Glasgow Celtic in the next round of the Champions League Qualifiers. That’s definitely what he said. About Rangers. And Champions League. Definitely. Conflated the two together. Definitely. Cos I wrote it. Honestly. Honest.”
Chris ‘Union’ Jack. Impartial scribbler. Self Award-Winning writerer journalisterer.
‘Trample the weak. Hurdle the dead.’
A.T.H.
‘I agree.’
Dave King.
BANE – 7/10
Spent most of the match drawing insulting doodles of Batman on his goalposts. On the few occasions he was called to arms, it was mostly feet – no mucking about with back passes this week, decisive and assured. No chance with their goal.
AJER – 7.5/10
Big Ragnar stormed around the park like Odin with a hangover. Why the opposition would want to mess with a unit that big in a bad mood speaks volumes of suicidally psychotic behaviour. He channels his aggression well – put in a slew of solid tackles, held position, rampaged forward when appropriate.
BITTON – 7/10
Too cool for fools; the perfect player for a match like this when you’re attempting to break down disciplined opponents but need to keep an eye on the back door. Like getting off with the prudish-but-hot girl in high school who’s got a nosey gay brother.
Bitton fits well in the backline where he can see the whole game. Sinewy, angular and robust – like a footballing xenomorph, opponents deflect off him, usually in pain. His great ability means we’re picking off attacks and instantly on the wavelength of counter-attacking midfielders. Incredibly useful to our squad if he stays fit.
JOZO – 7/10
The guy who sits at the end of the long gloomy bar in rural Serbia, who the barman nods towards while cleaning glasses if you enquire about a man of discretion for a certain type of job. You might think Jozo’s disinterestedly gazing up at the TV, but he’s actually watching activity around the pool table behind him via the gantry mirror. Tonight, Jozo didn’t need to get off his barstool; Just kept a wary eye on the pool table.
BOLIWOOD – 6.5/10
Roving left-back, 0 for 3 goal attempts, still sporting the Sincy tribute wig that obviously givesmhim his attacking vigour. Always showing for it, not tested defensively yet, though seemed to be onthe same opiates as Izzy when he gifted them the ball twenty yards out for their goal. A bit casual,but didn’t prove crucial.
BROON – 8/10
Control, focus, immaculate timing and positioning. No slackers when Broon’s around. Captain leadingthe way from the first minute to the last, and that’s probably scaled-up to apply to the season range too. Broony’s in the zone early. He watches The Terminator, Dredd, and Chuck Norris movies on a loop before big games. For three days.
CALMAC – 8.5/10 MOTM
Right on it, silken footwork, and zipped those testing passes around. He’s playing in perfect tandem with Broon which allows Calmac precious extra seconds to make a huge difference. Struck the winner with his sweet left – a crisp strike that fairly zinged in with a whip that wrong-footed the keeper. He’s maturing into a drifting, pudgy Pirlo who’s cementing himself as our main playmaker and crucial midfield gyre.
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 8/10
A barnstorming attacking midfielder with an edge to his game – last season’s bonus ball, coincidentally blitzed from the Hampden turf by Aberdeen’s Ball-bag, reprises his lethal rangefinding this summer like he’d never been away. Plucked that opening strike right out of the two-touch-deft-finish ninja school of surprises; Lightning-quick execution that took the breath away. What’s more, young Corpus won’t have any nonsense – thunders into tackles and takes the rodeo tactics in his stride, with a snarl.
He’s lined up for the Patrick Swayze role in the remake of Roadhouse. But given Ryan’s that posh, it’ll be called after where it’s set – ‘Auld Hoose’ of Robert Gordon’s College, Aberdeen, where Ryan plays a prefect in charge of keeping unruly ‘fags’ in order at the illicit backgammon club.
FORREST – 6.5/10
Hey, the Flash is back. Like a videogame, Jamesy levels up match-to-match at the beginning of a season. Last week he was ‘moderately disaffected’, this week we had him on ‘reasonably engaged’. Switching wings and never looking bored, he was as industrious as he was absent last week. Only thing misisng was his finishing touch – delivery, final ball and decisions were lacking. Here’s to next week where we may expect him at ‘occasionally thrilling’. Ladies…
MORGAN FREEMAN Jr – 6.5/10
While his dad’s helping Andy escape Shawshank, young Morgan’s returned from the land of Sunder with a point to prove. In the main, he’s applying himself well – aggressive wing play with the majority of his deliveries looking useful. This is his time to maintain a high level of energy and impact – the staples of any authentic top-level winger’s performance.
FRENCH EDDY – 7/10
Mercurial. Le Tresor de Gaul. The hatchetmen at the back attempted to make a sandwich of him first-half but he prefers une baguette and resurfaced to taunt them. Spinning off his makers, he’s an inside-forward playing the out-and-out striker role. But now he’s mixing it up better and dropping away to collect the ball and slalom at them – a nightmare for any backline. Unlucky not to score, made the opening goal. Looks like we may go two up front against SPL bus-parkers this season. The prospect of French Eddy and A.N.Other carving up defences is like the idea of 1967 Raquel Welch in a fur bikini turning up at your door on a hot day with a six-pack of Stella and a steak for the barbie.
SUBSTITUTES
GRIFF – 6/10
The return of Sparky, looking fi… Well, looking a few pie-suppers and ale evenings ‘fitter’. He’ll need some game time to get his mojo back but every step across the hallowed turf gets him a little closer. Some of those steps might leave big impressions so I guess the only Tims a tad unhappy to see him might be the groundsmen…
SINCY – N/A
Appeared in the last ten looking to become involve din a penalty-box fracas so he could snatch his hairpiece back from Boliwood amid the chaos. That didn’t transpire so a frustrated Sincy must wait until at least next week, maintaining his unfortunate Jeremy Toljan stunt double appearance.
EWAN/LIAM HENDERSON – N/A
The Henderson ‘twins’ ruse seems to be working again with anothe rmanager, given how pleased with him/themselves he/theylooked as Lennony threw him/them on for the last few minutes. G’on yerself/selves son/sons.
LENNONY – 8/10
Lennony – one there for those wanting to show respect but not wanting to sound sycophantic or afraid to critique; or indeed young fans of the Snickett book series… – came up trumps for the second week in a row. In the Balkan heartlands he imbued character into a pressurised side. Tonight it was about discipline and control. About retaining possession and learning to play the european-type game required. No panic. No gung-ho. No crazy choices. Lennony emphasised keeping the heid to see the tie through. He did, the players did, we’re a step closer.
OVERALL – 8/10
Ker-ching! Big Pistol Pete’s driveway fund bell prangs out another few brittle chimes as we advance to the second qualifying stage. Job done. And executed in a decent, near-swashbuckling manner; certainly more professionally and less traumatising manner than this Bhoy envisaged after hearing the draw.
Sarajevo were robust – is that the correct term? No, ‘dirty b*st*rds’. Yes, more accurate. They dug in and dug right in. They’re as competent a side as most SPL crews and seemed to have trained for some time at the ZoM School of Tackling Bhoys. Still, with hindsight they might have been just the side we needed to meet straight off the bat – baseball reference, folks; NOT fecking cricket – I’ve heard enough of that Colin Nish in the past few days (cricket = LGBT Baseball).
Yes, our bhoys HAD to get with it quickly this season. Sarajevo are without doubt the trickiest first-round opponents we’ve encountered. But we avoided the banana-skin well. The experience will have us set-up for the next mob. We’re better tuned than if we’d played some pub team from Lapland or a girls’ side from some obscure colonial outpost…
Onwards we go. It’s Estonia next. Land of almost-communists, stag binges and five-dollar hookers (allegedly). Perfect.
Sandman out.
