Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Tinfoilmen

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ TINFOILMEN…

“The nature of our complaint is not the ball boys’ time wasting or Colin Nishstaking of Shagga. It is the fact they laughed at me when I stood up on a box to give them a row.” – Gio De Vito, Zombie coach and former Dutch international Subbuteto player.

https://youtu.be/NUHy7azJxI8

ROXIE – 6.5/10 – Another of his inimitable presence days, most action with his feet but when called upon, made a fine save to snuff out any hopes of their unlikely recovery.

TONY THE TIGER – 7/10 – He likes a rumble and Firked Park always provides one. Ducking spears from the former corporation bus shelter turned main stand, Tony spent the majority of his second half in straight-out MMA
brawls with the home team’s ‘rambustious’ left side. Threw himself into tackles for the cause, many of which even had Conor McGregor turning away from the screen wincing and yelling for his robot butler to change channels.

STAR LORD – 7/10 – Kept Joe on his toes early on by refusing to pass forward or out his own box until the hysterical rodent nattering in his heid mellowed out. Thereafter, the Shelby swagger got an airing in a manor
befitting merciless thuggery, as Star Lord continued his confidence rebuild with some precise positioning and
calculated passes.

GET CARTER – 7.5/10 – LOL, they tried it on and he rolled them. Big Mhan getting bigger by the game found Murderpolis’s attempts to rough-house him with a selection of identikit bearded hipsters amusing. Eventually, he picked up a nippy wee substitute and threw him at one of them with a note pinned to him suggesting their next
tragic arm-sleeve tat is a sparkled unicorn humping a flute band drummer.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 7/10 – The most consistent baker in the country. Rivalling his pastry for downright tasty contributions to the filling. Another game where his commitment to the tactical plan is unquestionable and his industry a manager’s dream.

CALMAC OF THE OPERA – 7/10 – A forty-five of fortitude from the indomitable skipper. Seems he didn’t go to sleep between Wednesday night and Sunday lunchtime – merely paused and raring to go again. Got the job done then back to the bat cave for another face transplant.

HAKUNA HATATE – 6.5/10 – ‘skelper initiate may have wondered why the team had to play in the ruins of the Fukushima reactor disaster, but applied his lovely footballing technique with standard effectiveness – an artisan’s pass to set up the opener, before a deserved early rest.

ROGIC – 8/10 – Round the world he came, from glamorous sunny climes back to the one shire even Hobbits carrying rings won’t traverse. But Oz thrives in darkest Lanarkshire – his record of skelping the wannabees is of local legend, something they try to dispel every spring with the ‘Burning of The Wizard’ procession to the town square where an unlucky village idiot is sacrificed to their God of rain, Baal. Hilariously, it never works, but they do now have less idiots in the village than most, so swings and roundabouts then…

Today Oz cast his magik again and the locals screamed under their covers once more; never saw him for the first 20 minutes as he shook off the jet-lag, but once he ambled into things in his guileful manner we got a footballing treat, capped by another swinging zinger for the scrapbook.

If it wasn’t for wee glue-sniffing one-eyed Shuggie from Cleland throwing himself off the main stand roof into the carpark as a despairing, belated sacrifice on 70 minutes, then Oz may have had a hat-trick but for the enchanted post and Ned Kelly in nets thwarting him.

ABADASS – 7.5/10 – Viper from the middle east, stinging the Bears with his bite and whiplash style. Perfecting that inside drift from the wing, arriving with pace to stab home crucial goals. Kid did the biz then got the rest of the day off to play his PS5.

SON OF JACKIE – 8.5/10 MOTM – You don’t know what you’ve missed ’til you see it again – not a forgotten burd, but certainly a forgotten dimension to our forward play. As I’ve said, not since JVoH have we had such a troublesome unit playing centre forward. Jackie’s physicality was the key today, managing to absorb and
occupy the attentions of both their central-defensive battle giants; one even a mass-murdering deposed dictator of Zimbabwe.

He stopped them venturing into midfield, opening that space between the lines for our creatives to exploit and fill.
Even a completely bewildering yellow from Cheatin’ Beaton (there’s a surprise…) didn’t quieten his thirst for combat. He’s a nuisance who also carries a goal-threat; desperately unlucky again today to be thwarted by another keeper in-form, but it looks likely that when luck pivots slightly in his favour and his fitness peaks, we’ll see the reason he was Eredivisie top scorer.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7/10 – The willing wide man who’ll just play until he drops. Frustrated, mainly, with numerous speedy runs until he got down the middle late on and deservedly scored, and should have had another at least. But what an engine. Designed by Kawasaki.

SUBS:

BLOCKCHAIN – 6.5/10 – Effortless transition from the bench to shore up the middle all second half, adding his own subtleties and bossing it.

JAMESY – 6/10 – Stunned silence all round as Jamesy appeared from nowhere, flashing the head and almost caused uproar. Later, nearly scored; foiled by their keeper’s feet as he unusually met a cross with a header…

NOTEBOOK – 6/10 – Lively, tricky and gearing up nicely for what will be a season-defining scrap at Pittodrie.

THE BUILDER – 6.5/10 – Stuck to decorating the miserable surroundings today by spraying some terrific passes around.

JURAN JURAN – N/A – A cultured cameo from the Zombie boards’ new hate-figure and Ryan Kent’s new pimp. Almost gilded his week with a near-perfect free-kick.

ANITA DOBSON – 8/10 – It’s not assault when you grab a barmaid, take off her shoe and sock and start counting on her toes – it’s the only way of keeping up with Ange’s player rotation when you’ve run out of your own digits. By the third nicely-polished toenail it was dawning just how thorough a job he’s done cleaning out and reinstating a squad capable of erasing last season’s horror show and challenging for this title. Today the balance was spot-on, getting the most out of momentum and resting weary limbs. His playing style tires out the opposition attempting to contain it more than it does the Hoops charged with implementing it. He just requires it to work 13 more times and he’s heading for legendary status.

MIBBERY – 2/10 – Like Hearts at Mordor, Johnny Unbaws just couldn’t  be bothered. Got in his classic yellow for phukallity against the Bhoy who was bugging him the most, but just couldn’t drag himself back to happiness after
spending three days crying under his bedcovers since ruining his Broxy Bear PJs with vomit on Wednesday night.

OVERALL – 8/10 – Just what we wanted. A blistering first half to quieten the degenerates baying for our blood –
although the locals seemed smaller in numbers than usual; tragic events midweek have left many heartbroken.This trip has been a hurdle in the past, not losing many but wins have been fought for and draws given up. This afternoon, Son Of Jackie led the fighting pace, took their physical keenness and dished it back, won time for the special teams to find their groove and after that first 20-minute attrition, we were through
them like a rapier. That’s a sword, Griff, not that goalkeeper…

Exhalations of relief and delight all round then. The Bhoys are at it just as much as we hoped and desired them to be. So chalk that one off the anxiety calendar and get ready for the next – a real blowy at the Beach End on Wednesday. No, Jamesy…

Go Away Now

Sandman

Hoops coming into the away end/changing zone at full time 💚🍀 pic.twitter.com/AG8E5bvrFv

— Oweny Bhoy (@OwenDunn6) February 6, 2022