Brendan Rodgers looks on prior to the UEFA Champions League match between Aston Villa and Celtic at Villa Park on January 29, 2025. (Photo by Dan Mullan/Getty Images)
THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7/10 – Hmm, once more the dice got rolled. This time, before kick-off as the damn French and the damned walking Shereen Nanjianies of UEFA officialdom had deprived us of twin Kamikaze options. So The Brodge went with his only options. Sort of…
About that manager’s bit… Anyone for a Defensive/Holding midfielder? A physical beast with stamina and a smattering of ability who’ll stand in front of our backline in such matches like Leonidas at the Hot Gates and square go any metrosexual EPL weasels who fancy breaching it. And who will take a heck of a workload off the midfield three ahead, allowing for more creative endeavour. This would of course involve sacrificing a winger, and going roughly 4-4-2, or 4-1-3-2. And in my completely outlandish, whack-job and insane – but definitive – opinion, if we don’t try such in the next round, Dortmund will look like a hard-fought draw.
However… The Brodge is on record as saying that’s blasphemy and tonight he did manage to get a pretty good turn out of available personnel, barring a couple. Yet the – costly – hurdle of competitive midfield parity remained a leap too high. So my dream of a midfield warrior poet making those Spanish/German sophisticates cough up their caviar and graft for 180 minutes or more to see us off may remain just that…Or the greatest tactical masterplan you’ve ever read.
MIBBERY – 7/10 – What petting zoos do UEFA throw nets over to find the spineless cross-dressing marsupials who get to officiate and administrate, reducing football to a contactless safe space for simping little crypto-fascists with personality disorders that would make Michael Jackson look a reliable babysitter. From non-penalties to bewildering suspensions, I’d throw them all in a time machine and take them back to a stormy weekend morning in the 90s to play in a crucial Sunday League cup-tie. Wouldn’t be able to see their penalty spots, monitors or rule books after that, due to the blinding PTSD.
OVERALL – 7/10 – “Hello Dortmund, my old friend…” Only football can make your mouth dry after eight pints
and a bowl of nachos (not ‘Novo’ – he’s a wee Zombie.). And after a paltry five minutes tonight, I was sucking
in air like I’d been wandering around the Dune deserts all day, throat like Lizzie’s snat… Let’s say rather choked with dread and hoping for a Tsunami. And ‘Beermingham’ needs a wash, alright…Getting sliced like fresh lemons at a razor fight by a team of preening egotistical EPL posers with Shaggy fae Hearts as their set-piece coach? Heaven’s sake, Celtic..
Then amazingly, given our absentee list, we raised their two goals in three minutes with a double of our own and magical CL unicorns appeared to refuel the glasses and our bottomless wells of optimism. Was it a coincidence we got a lift right after covert-catholic-with-gigantic-arse*, John McGinn forced Unibond Emery-board to put him on early as his favourites were in trouble? Suddenly, a right embarrassing night for the EPL fandancers and fanboys was on the cards. And almost equally as suddenly – after HT – we look bare-boned and stretched beyond competitive limits.
So, over to you, BR and pistol Pete. We’re short on depth for this level, evidently. And the question remains whether you want to take our participation in it seriously enough to throw another eight figures
at the personnel requirements. Because – and take this as definitive – after we pap out the next mob up on the firing range, slapping around wee Killyernan Bee-Boppy or Phackin’ ‘Arry, it will begin to get pretty demanding…
Anyway, let’s today laud these Bhoys who got the job done overall terrifically, and gave us a fantastical February to look forward too.
*(© Gerry Creaney Arsepads Inc.)
Go Away Now
Sandman
Celtic Pools – Join the Weekly Lottery and support the Celtic Academy. Why not join Celtic Pools for £1 a week with the chance to win up to £25k
w e need to change our formation, and get a big strong sitting midfielder [Ryan Porteus] and let CALUM move up field more,