SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS are eagerly awaited by many Celtic Supporters. He has built up quite a following, starting on another blog before he was banned for using swearing so he moved to Celtic Noise, the new Celtic fans forum which doesn’t circle the wagons around the Boardroom and is open to all Celtic Supporters.
As usual, Sandman last night posted his player ratings on Celtic Noise and you can read them below…
Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Fife Golf Club, ‘The Pars’ – see HERE.
A few of the highlights are below…
THE INTRODUCTION
2-1 A.E.T.P (Abysmal Extra-Terrestrial Pish).
“Been listening to the Beatles – I Wanna Hold Yer Hand, and the Gerogia Satellites – Keep Yer Hands Tae Yerself, and the other belter by Reef – Place Yer Hands… Aye, weird music choice on me player this week, canny understand it…”
Broon.
“People often question of me, ‘Dark Lord, does your position as all-powerful Oligarch Of The Celt Empire make you arrogant, conceited, soulless and ambivalent to the simple affordable wishes of the everyday Celtic supporter?’
And I say to them, ‘Silence, peasants, kneel, then fetch me my golden cock-cage. For it is time for the quickening and I must prepare the balls of blue.'”
Pistol Pete.
And If I must…ON TO THE PLAYERS and MANAGER ratings, some of the highlights, remember you can read the full ratings on Celtic Noise.
GORDON – 6/10
The Cat returned. Spent an afternoon licking his paws, sold down the river by his defence and scowling like a mad bam as he retrieved the ball from the net; found himself in the wrong sketch, but no fault of his. Plucked a few dangerous crosses out the air; no worries about him taking the gloves back. In fact, let him pick the defence.
HAT ATTACK – 6/10
Competent then shaky. Competent then shaky. No idea why the anxiety virus found its way to this big hunk of cool but perhaps because he is new he thought he’d better conform with the idiots around him.
AJER – 6/10
Is he okay? That’s about all I care to know after the big Praetorian crashed to the deck holding his collar-bone/shoulder region in a nothing game against part-time hoodlums. More vital to us than a longship to the Lothbroks, we need him fit and able. Today, did his best to raise spirits and levels but his future captaincy will perhaps require more threatening influence.
MIKEY J – 5/10
Goalscoring 80s superhero. Yet ineffectual as Bill or Ted in the grand scheme of things as he struggled to find the right jink or flick that would cause them damage. Ultimately, he slung in a cross that deceived their goal-tending hipster poof ; apologies – ‘metrosexual sporting icon’, and scored what we reckoned was the winner (oh no it wasn’t…). Celebrated it with the gusto of Boy George at a Bananarama pool party. This was a game for him to make his mark; he didn’t.
CLAMAC – 5/10
Bludgeoned into Rodgers-esque nightmare land on Tuesday by brutal tactical tomfeckery, re-instated as midfield ponce/captain today… Failed to ram home his case for being thegyronomic metronomical axis upon which all things Celtic rotate. Afflicted by the general malaise around him.
BOLIWOOD – 5/10
Maligned, benched, back in. But no reason to get in a tizzy about this bhoy – he played his role, supported well, offered much but let himself down on the final ball. At least we had a left-back playing left-back. He’s never getting tested defensively in games like this, so move on with any grief towards him.
GRIFF – 2/10
Shagging? No. Gambling? No. Boozing? No. So where was he? Did he boycott with half the Green Brigade? Did anybody see his distinctive heid around the stadium environs? Thought I saw him skelp a carbon-copy Motherwell free-kick lamely wide but beyond that there was no spark – or Sparky – to win the day.
SOME OF THE SUBS:
FORREST – 6/10
In a flash! – Ladies… – the Flying Flasher Of Old Prestwick Town saves the day. Thank Ghod for Jamesy’s trickery and eye for a deflection. When in doubt, get it out, is the wee man’s motto and his distraction worked, creating enough space to get the shot off and score the winenr with barely enough time left to zip up his flies (Special Jamesy front-zipper Celtic shorts available in the superstore for Halloween).
LENNONY – 5/10
Oh dear. But… OH? Dear? Was it a fault of his, this debacle of a performance? Was it an indication of player disenchantment? Was it “HIS!” fault? (© screaming internet drama queens).
Tuesday he made major tactical mistakes. Today he gave the fans what many have been asking for – two dynamic strikers up front, and basically a strong first-team selection.
It did not work. (And there’s much more on Celtic Noise…)
OVERALL – 4/10
LOL. Yeez ragin’, aye? A bucket of purest p*sh, delivered on a sliver platter by a loose cadre of highly-paid young men who couldn’t really be arsed competing with the upstarts before them, yet did enough to eventually get the listing ship Celtic over the line.
So who do we blame? Well, personally, I start with YOU for being bored enough to read this cataloging of crap. Furthermore, the support – snow-off-a-dyke (© Gerry Mcnee) gloryhunters not prepared to sit through only 120 painful minutes of turgid lacklustre product served up by people who earn more in a week or month than they coin-in annually.
Thirdly, YOU again if you read the previous sentence and developed a nascent sense of outrage, not understanding sarcasm.
Ultimately, nobody is to blame for anything because we WON. Whether or not we had beaten The Cludgie on Tuesday, today was always going to be an irritating banana skin. I’d give credit to Dunfermline for a battling, disciplined performance, playing on the edge of their wits and riding their luck like all cup heroes do in the hope of nicking a finely-worked goal when their crystal-cut chance presented itself…
But I won’t. Because they wear the jerseys of a generation of players before them who lay down to Rangers in 2003 like cheap Thai hookers to fat American sex tourists and through their insipid corruption denied the finest Celtic team in a lifetime a rightful title.
And as for their chairman – that **** still has the stitches in his colon from that May afternoon in the Blue Room at Snake Mountain and will spend eternity licking Satans gonads. So, no, I’m not being benevolent to valiant losers; Or bitter. Get the haycart back to Middle Earth and shut the feck up, Dunfermline.
The QUADROPHENIA TREBLE is STILL on, it’s STILL on.
C.O.Y.B.I.G
Go away now.
Sandman, onto the vino and watching Vikings AND DON’T FORGET THAT THIS IS ONLY A TASTER FOR THE FULL UNCENSORED VERSION ON CELTIC NOISE – INCLUDING THE NTCHAM RATING…
Also on The Celtic Star…
Emilio Izaguirre Hurt in Terrifying Attack as 3 Die and 7 are Shot or Stabbed…see HERE.
Ibrox Looms – The Celtic Defence and Peter Lawwell’s Crucial Two Weeks…see HERE.
‘The club ignores the wishes of its support at its peril,’ David Potter…see HERE.
‘Ajer popped his shoulder but we think he’ll be fine,’ Lenny’s post match update…see HERE.
Celtic 2 Dunfermline – Forrest Spares Blushes in Extra Time…see HERE.
