SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SATAN’S CONCUBINES…
“We at the Seville Municipal Sewage And Sanitation Department are proud to state that we maintained water levels in all public toilets, troughs, sink holes and even those indeterminable holes in the ground that are ubiquitous in old dodgy pubs, just so that our visitors from Ibrox had ample drinking facilities. “– Spokesperson for Integrated Water Resources Management (IWRM) of the city of Seville, Spain.
ROXIE – 5/10 – No chance with the goals, left exposed. Got some stick for punches under pressure, the irony here
being that that was the quickest anyone had gotten the ball forward all game and perhaps – a la continental keepers – should be a regular thing as it might startle others into actually moving quicker. So at least someone laid a glove on something yesterday…
GREGGS THE BAKER – 3/10 – Well, he tried to get busy, moving inside second-half but overall appeared to be suffering from food poisoning; played like he was, anyway.
WAYNE GRETZKY – 2/10 – Part of the Johnson & Johnson conglomerate, pharmaceuticals a speciality; clearly been at the opiods. Bizarrely out of sorts.
OF JUSTICE – 5/10 – Moderately passable, though looked spooked by the dearth of Celticness around him on the pitch and may have lapsed into a fugue as his rational brain reasoned he must be still asleep, stuck in the middle of some depressing dream.
GET CARTER – 4/10 – Welcome back, but pick up their deadliest marksman from the corners, for heaven’s sake; Uncanny absence and awareness.
EDDIE TURNBULL – 1/10 – Tormented them Hearts yins back in the day, he did. Awoke from a nap to skelp our best effort of the day before fading back into history.
CALMAC – 2/10 – Jeez, they’re not listening to you, skipper. And the example wasn’t there today as Calmac struggled to get his own game flowing, never mind the team.
THE BUILDER – 5.5/10 MOTM – Probably best of a bad lot. Somehow forced wider due to Eddie T’s inclusion – not altered by the elite coach… -he persisted in moving and attempting to cultivate, to ignite some attacking craft. Unfortunately, appropriate for time of year, he was left Home Alone.
BRIAN DE – 3.5/10 – The difference between sand-dancer and guileful maverick is a fine line sometimes. He crossed it today after early promise. Crashed right down through it actually, second 45, stumbling about like Gazza after a free bar at the annual Wife-Beater’s Xmas Bash (sic).
KILLER MUSHROOM – 2.5/10 – The wee mhan. Deadliest since Henrik. Diluted by Buckball – all that penalty box energy, that samurai-blade sharpness blunted in his complicity in the ‘dropping deeper’ tactical tweak. Soon going to be the subject of an Akira Kurosawa tribute film, titled ‘The Futility Of Kyogo’. So stop it. Let him hussle and press in and around the 18 yard box (that’s the ’20 meter penalty area,’ kids…) and hover like a Japanese Sparrowhawk, awaiting his lethal moment. When it came, he wasn’t attuned to knocking in a finish
he’d have completed instinctively past two seasons. Just play to his obvious strengths… For. Heaven’s. Sake.
MIKEY J – 0/10 – Goddamn. Mikey’s had more Celtic sequels than Police Academy. And this one… Well, sequels are only made for the sake of diminishing box office returns. We look all but out of any returns from Mikey who has shrunk enough to spend the whole half in Cochrane’s (worth signing this kid? Been a quality LB v us…) pocket. There were 7 ‘Police Academy’s, ending with ‘Mission To Moscow’. Mikey’s run might have ended at ‘Empty Jesrsey’…
SUBS
OH BHOY – 4/10 – Rumbled on. We expected, but even with the dearth of service, he still couldn’t make an impact when opportunities presented.
JAMESY – 4.5/10 – ‘Gie’s a touch!’ is Jamesy’s Xmas mantra, heard at staff parties all around Prestwick pubs. He’s been known to also be a bit of a hammer to the Hearts in his time and despite being unable to make history repeat, he was probably the best of our 56 wingers today.
TONY THE TIGER – 5/10 – You will ALWAYS get Celtic commitment out of Tony. A lesson to many others. And you often get a killer ball or goalscoring heroics; but he wasn’t Sellick Santa this afternoon.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA – 4/10 – Reluctantly, Buck throws in Ange’s project and a shaky few touches brought groans. But the kid can play and after he settled, flashed the best cross of the day across the goal-face;
no takers, surprise, surprise.
LORD KATSUMOTO – 4/10 – A Daizen special – sitter missed and card collected (ridiculously awarded). In fairness, not yet fit enough to make a difference, but no shortage of will.
THE SHNAKE – 2.5/10 (0.5 for every sub…) – Brendan’s been at the Barca academy, didn’t you know? Studied their Tikki-Takka back in the day. Put his own stamp on it and has brought us Chuckle Brothers To-You-To-Me tedium. There’s many dry among us who’ll circle jerk over game management, composure, possession stats,
game intelligence, and I’ll leave it to you to play the Xmas dinner table game of conjuring more The Office management-speak bollocks that’d trip off the tongue of our own David Brent in the hotseat.
Facts are, Brendanistas – to this lunatic here it would appear that the ‘dressing room’ is being lost, to throw you another popular phase. Apologising to fans on behalf of players who are then thrown onto the London Road bus route doesn’t go down well with a group of young men already proven motivated champions, who were playing some of the best Celtic football of the Century – arguably THE best – under the previous regime.
And it shouldn’t sit well with the fans, either – we’ve already seen what these Bhoys can do. So, ‘elite coach Rodgers’ stop being their pal behind closed doors and their accuser in public and take off that Gucci belt, wrap it round yer fist, and see if you can salvage something out of a collapsing season with a bit of steel on the training ground and a bit of complicity with your charges in front of the media.
Not long left to prove himself either a talented coach with innovative ideas or an old grifter on the take? But will he? Saudi calling by the bells? I’ve got a removal van ready and turning over for a night-time trip if anyone’s interested. Hmm…
🗣️ “I want to apologise to the support. Our desire & passion was really poor. [Callum McGregor] was having to play two or three positions to get the team going… This result is on me.”
Brendan Rodgers reflects on Celtic’s 2-0 loss to Hearts 👇 pic.twitter.com/7aOJaypLjT
— Sky Sports Scotland (@ScotlandSky) December 16, 2023
MIBBERY – 5/10 – Clancy Drew is such a soup-taker, it’s excruciating to watch. Though despite his finickitty and someties incomprehensible takes on incidents, he and VAR only had to sit back and laugh as we turned the shotgun on ourselves. And still managed to miss our heid, but not our feet…
OVERALL – FFS/10 – You like stats? Here’s one often ignored – How many passes across the back do we make before deciding to prod it forward: 5.6767. Tempo, intensity, pressing? Remember those? How about speedy transitions, directness – 345 corners and one fired into the box?
Zip, zest, injection of pace, passion…Perth now looks no accident. Kilmarnock proving the new norm after yesterday’s incredible home defeat to a Hearts side who’d barely tasted Celtic Park victory in a generation (2009 under Tony Mowbray was the last time that they won at Celtic Park).
Not that we are entitled to win every one. But it is the manner of defeat which is crucial here; timid, within a performance that every bit felt like the end-of-an-era stale, disinterested, lacklustre input of a squad awaiting the next Messiah. So Xmas is cancelled until the Zombies slip up or are put to the sword. Odds of that happening are lengthening drastically and alarmingly. The board (Boooo!), the squad, and the support (Shhhh!) are all at odds and the title is well and truly on the line. Summer appointments and transfers are proving divisive. The best of times? No. The worst of times? Not quite yet. But… Fractured times? Yup…
Go Away Now
Sandman
