SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE CUP RATINGS: CELTIC v THE FLOCKERS…
“Did I complain when wee Ann made me wear the gimp suit and ball-gag? No. Did I complain when she pulled out that rubber thing the size and shape of Darth Vader? No. Did I complain when there was nowhere near enough lube on it? No. But when the Celtic are closing on the TEN…” you-know-who…
BANE – 6/10
Thursday’s heroics required no sequel. Good defending and toothless sheep meant a peaceful afternoon for our favourite machiavellian anti-hero. Distribution was effectively on-point in testing conditions.
PINGPONG – 7.5/10
Terrific focussed game from the duracel-powered pocket dynamo. Showed some clean heels amid useful attacking bursts but his real credit from today was the strength of his defending – outstanding goal-saving block late-on crowned a day of good choices in and around our box, and a cool head when required.
BITTON – 6/10
Appeared a little disturbed, possibly at the alarming presence beside him…No, not Shane – Aberdeen played some gargantuan Persian-esque war-whore out of ‘300’ up front. Slackened off too much on a few occcasions, gifting away possession. But he remains a fine asset to utilise when required as a makeshift central defender,
and his positiional play was well defined to cope with Duffy-schisms.
ALAN LADD – 6.5/10
More of his type of weather and opponent – a beast to combat on a dodgy surface to blunder around with malice. Still agitates leaping kittens every time he’s on the ball in space looking to ‘build’* But he avoided blunders on a pitch asking for them and won every crucial challenge required; a 90s defender in a 90s cup battle – made for him.
*’fire ball into ether’.
LAXALTIVE – 7.5/10
He’s got class and it shows. Not on his heid. But the consistency and sprightliness of his game reek of Serie A/South American coaching. We get that perpetual motion and intensity of purpose that’s great to watch and exudes a sense of confidence in him to get the job done. Not bothered by rain or sheep with chibs he bounced through defensive work and gave them a headache with his support play. A keeper. But we can’t, so enjoy his time here.
BROON – 7.5/10
Like a flaming boss. He was having this, and no mistake. When the gears wore down into the second half and the Dandies got excited about opportunities, Broon was stood in the middle of the engine room with a
glower and a big spanner. As the formerly lively Watkins of Aberdeen may testify to after Broon gave him a ‘deid everything’ with ten minutes to go.
CALMAC – 7/10
Another tidy performance as he again sat deep in tandem with his skipper and took control. There’s a priceless value in having someone so cultured able to slip a deft pass out of a troublesome situation and pivot defence
into counter. It’s a give-and-take from the new lack of his advanced threat but it’s working.
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 7.5/10
What a goal son! Said his Da’… A mirror of Mo’s Thursday orgasm and we were heading towards history. The thing was, he repeated that strike a number of times; but they were wayward passes as his unusually heavy
weight of distribution broke us down. Still, he’s pirouetting around the park and deploying his energy in all the right spots. One day it’ll all come together and I’ll reckon on him being Man Of The Match, but until then I’m calling it for someone else..
ROGIC – 8/10 MOTM
So smooth they named a popular blended fruit drink after him, so next time you’re having a ‘smoothie’ (usually a stella with banana in it for some…) just recall Big Tam in the Hoops…
His presence gave us that magical extra dimension of imagination and song – no wonder they call him ‘Oz’. We know when he’s fit and firing the Govan Witches can’t live with him and yesterday the Northern Deviants had no
answer. The touch, the movement, the guile, the sheer artistry; that sand-iron pitched delivery for Elshag’s goal, and Tiger Woods fell to the floor…He’s got a place at Celtic, in the hearts and minds, and on the pitch. He’s
a store of value, an asset we shouldn’t be considering selling. One month of a Rogic in full expansive mode is worth a season of grind from a bargain journeyman.
So what if he can’t maintain a fully-fit season. Keep him around to gild the big moments and utilise the squad to give him rest. You don’t have caviar every day and you don’t need to. Except Corpus. His Da’ told me that.
ELSHAGYONLASSIE – 6.5/10
Frustrating but involved. Pitch was maybe against him as he promised much but saw final touches and openings elude his intent. However, no complaints – he turned up again for a big game and filled the jersey well, got on the end of the Rogic masterclass and took a post in the baws for his trouble. Is it him, or is it the system? Time will tell but he’s looking more worth his price since Thursday.
FRENCH EDDY – 6/10
Dream return to the starting line-up foiled by a dream save combination; won’t believe Lewis got them both. Like Oz, he offered dimensions to our play we’ve missed- the mobile frontman opening spaces for runners, a handful
drawing panicked defenders out of position. He’s operating around 80% after the Zombies infected him with covid via poisoned dart delivered by a midget dressed as a Alfie the jungle pig. But, like conspiracy theories on the web, no matter the strength, French Eddy is alway around and always potentially dangerous.
SUBS:
SAM JACKSON – N/A
Muthutucka hates the daym rain. Ten minutes of it was enough for a muthutuckin’ cameo that only required filling vacated space.
GRIFF – N/A
It was a moment we will all recall fondly with rueful grins and mirth in the years to come. A moment that would rank with leaving a vintage bottle of Jack Daniels with Keith Richards and returning to find it unopened, or your teenage daughter with Jagger and returning to find her unfertilised…It was an outbreak of professionalism that had policemen turning in their badges and nuns recanting their vows – Griff, clean through in injury time… took. the. ball. to. the. corner flag. Yes, he did that. Captain Jack Sparrow was suddenly Victor Mature.
A Celtic nation’s jaws dropped, and our players charging in support for a glory finish had fits of perplexion; The Yeti’s heid exploded and Pingpong called his mum to complain. Some kind of Christmas miracle manifested a month early… Gawd bless us one and all.
THE YETI – N/A
A blistering display of… anger at his fellow sub in the LOL moment of the game. Looked like Lennony was adding a calm word in his ear at full-time too. Comedy.
HAT ATTACK – 6/10
As ever, stuck on and stuck in with gusto; another defensive cover option we can rely on for unswerving commitment to the cause. Like Mossad do…Or it is Hamas? Da-da-daaaa…
LENNONY – 8/10
Two in a row. Not wins, but personal moral victories over the finest computer game football managers in the world; some of them have been leading non-league sides to the premiership for more than three decades, you know…
Loaded us wide and negated the McInness central midfield block that had caused so many irritations last Sunday. The Dons went chasing instead of stoically defying our ministrations, as all we left them to deal with in the centre was Broon in berserker mode. Tactic worked a treat as they were dragged out of position and the spaces opened up for us to exploit. Demanded the best his tired travellers could muster knowing
we could kill it early, the finest way a to win a cup-tie.
Now he’s on the verge of history and will probably wear a dapper suit to the final, which will most certainly keep all the poisonous Green-uns nodding in pious approval. Well done, Lennony, have the moment deservedly.
OVERALL – 8/10
So we made the best of typical Hampden winter conditions and turned possible swampy floundering into a display of award-winning synchronised swimming. As we all hoped for, Thursday’s hope was indeed a rebellion arising once more and no blue moon event, making sure today was no Black Swan event either; an
Aberdeen side who’d taken three off us last week were pinned in by a Celtic side who’d found renewed zest.
We Lille’d them first-half and it was enough. Could have been more, but two was a gap to defend and they weren’t of quality enough to pose severe problems when our legs felt gravity’s call.
The semi-final is the worst one to lose. Our bhoys haven’t known that since a brief flurry of witchcraft four and a half years ago; Thirty-five straight cup wins and over a hundred goals later. Golden days, folks. Golden days.
Go Away Now. Until Thursday, again…
Sandman
READ THIS…Barca’s political infighting and Celtic’s chance to bring Henrik Larsson in as coach
READ THIS…The Three Kings’ – Stein, Busby and Shankly, The Makers of Modern Football
