Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Killiemangiro

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ KILLIEMANGIRO…

“Auld Ayr, wham ne’er a town surpasses,
For honest men and bonnie lasses.
An’ Killie… Full ay glakit bun hasturts.”

– Rabbie Burns.

ROXIE – 6/10 – How’s the tan? Plenty of time to work on it, stretched out on a pitch made from recycled lilos. Did manage to squeeze in one ubiquitous baw-tingling moment of suicidal footwork on the edge of the box to liven up the second half.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 8/10 – Came onto a terrific game at the zoo he escaped from a few years ago. Incisive pass to set up the opener and maintained his usual industry in that inverted-nipple role he’s thriving in.

GET CARTER – 7.5/10 – Prisoners not taken. And it didn’t look like any of the fiesty narks in blue wanted to challenge the unit’s mantra. Carter kept his focus, and footing, on a surface that can betray big mhen, and never registered a misstep across a lunchtime of eating up pies in Killie shirts.

BIG MERCEDES – 8/10 – Was probably heading for a MOTM after surpassing his Dingwall glory moment with an impromptu Pele impersonation, taken from his Edinburgh Fringe show ‘Schnick Schnack Schnuck’ in which he wrestles a lang streak ‘o loyalist-phish to the deck and tramples over his jakey tattoos whilst making him bleat like a pumped ludge goat; also premiered today. Then the tapestry of shredded tyres he had to run about
on ‘jozo-ed’ him and his fine game was curtailed.

KILMARNOCK, SCOTLAND – AUGUST 14: Kyogo Furuhashi of Celtic is congratulated by team mates after scoring the opening goal during the Cinch Scottish Premiership match between Kilmarnock FC and Celtic FC at on August 14, 2022 in Kilmarnock, Scotland. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

JURAN JURAN – 6.5/10 – Sparked into life more this week, possibly after watching the Man United debacle yesterday and attempting to distance himself from transfer talk by showing he can actually play football. Still tuning up towards some big performances in the CL, I’m thinking, right in time for Quatar selection…

KILMARNOCK, SCOTLAND – AUGUST 14: Calum McGregor of Celtic vies with Alan Power of Kilmarnock during the Cinch Scottish Premiership match between Kilmarnock FC and Celtic FC at on August 14, 2022 in Kilmarnock, Scotland. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CALMAC – 6.5/10 – Quietly functional, keeping time, ticking over a midfield neither stretched nor in full-flow. Day spoiled slightly by debutant MIB indulging in foreplay with a bizarre late yellow.

 

THE BUILDER – 6/10 – A lovely footballer, drifting through a tricky game with minimal conflict. Neither here nor there in terms of impact but did not require to be as others got the job done early.

EDDIE TURNBULL – 6/10 – He remembers old Killie – where he used to have a pint with Burns (Rabbie, not Tommy), and the day the black monolith appeared at the top of West George Street; the natives learned to use basic tools soon after. Evolution hasn’t pushed them much further, certainly not in the case of the playing surface where Eddie’s every involvement was met here with a wince in case his injury problems resurfaced. But he glided through, retaining possession, remaining tidy and sensible in his play, though he still shoots like a phished Star Wars stormtrooper with glaucoma.

NOTEBOOK – 8.5/10 MOTM – ‘Repita por favor’, which is Portuguese for ‘Gonny dae it again?” and he did, scorching one past a startled keeper, dancing around like he was back at Wembley in 1986 prancing down the stage with a shuttlecock doon his tennis shorts; only this time the screaming was from the sparsely-populated home stands, and of total anguish. The bhoy’s a player made for the Hoops, who’ll win you the points and tribute the greats with a special moment; Fernando Albino de Sousa Chalana. RIP.

MR.KOBAYASHI – 7.5/10 – Irrepressible magic mushroom strikes again. Just like last week his movement was too smart and slick for the jailers, but here nerves were settled before they could be shredded as the wee diamond delivered his match-winning contribution within minutes and everyone broke out the factor 50.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6.5/10 – A more effective rampage in the heat than last week’s false star: Initial burst and pinpoint poke to lay on Kyogo. Thereafter, a closing-down exercise to bewilder the flagging home defence and prove that a man really can rival a camel for endurance and energy in such oppresive climatic conditions. Not for looks, though – that was the preserve of Killie’s centre-forward…

SUBS:

SON OF JACKIE – 7/10 – Winner of the Mercedes Jenz Pele Challenge with a textbook overhead kick that also nutmegged the keeper. Skill level: Deadly Mongoose.

MOOEY – 6/10 – Came on and kept it tidy, freaking out the home support with his ‘spectre of Broony in the noonday sun’ depiction.

ABADASS – 6.5/10 – Another focussed and impactful appearance from our rare emerald-encrusted desert-spider, torturing the full-back with his touch and sprightly feet; unlucky not to score again.

STAR LORD – 7.5/10 – 1 in 50! Plays wallie with the goalie and shins in a standing-leg screamer to finally open his Celtic account; celebrates like me after nailing Eva Green and makes everyone’s day in the sun even happier.

JAMESY – N/A – Sun’s out, Burds are out, and Jamesy’s…Kept everything in place. Cos, y’know, Killie wummin’…
But a welcome coiffured cameo to raise a smile.

ANITA DOBSON – 7.5/10 – Big Ange wore his Sunday best to go to the Sunday worst. No fear, mayte, and the locals won’t attack anyone in a shirt and tie anyway, in case it’s their lawyer. Set his side up as ever to test the opposition rather than respect them – a crucial difference in our tricky away-days under the shrewd Aussie. His reward today was the barbie on by half-time and a case of Castlemaine FCUK every 20 minutes for a ‘water’
break. Well earned.

MIBBERY – 3/10 – The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men gang aft agley. And we got David Dickinson – a geriatric TV reality show host antique dealer for ref because he was the only MIB who’s perma-tan would protect him from the conditions. So how would this Bargain Hunt fair? Would he be the Real Deal? Not really. Salvaged some ludge cred by carding the Celtic skipper; the futility of which will only be rivalled in the coming weeks with the Zombies
consolation goal (via a VAR penalty, of course) in their 8-1 aggregate routing by PSV.

OVERALL – 8/10 – Paper roses, plastic pitch. Three stands they couldn’t – and wouldn’t – fill, and an away end revelling in the slaughter and sunshine. The perfect Killie Sunday. Deek McInness & Gunn has maintained a Killie tradition of assembling a squad of verminous ex-Zombies which always adds to the schadenfeude.

The Bhoys set about those tramps with no mercy today and turned a fixture often blighted by trepidation and
struggle into a jolly bhoys outing. No sweat was broken, no serious knocks taken, no nonsense tolerated. Goulish and despicable goon Lafferty kept his sleeves long and his tats covered but still greeted his way round the park seeking controversy, and probably Charlie Mulgrew so he could faint in the heat.

Yet all he managed was to make me realise what the result of Pluto from ‘The Hills Have Eyes’ pumping Bambi would look like. So him and his blue-nose baggage was swatted aside, mocked and soundly beaten by a Celtic side tuning into the best of last season’s enlightening form and tuning up for a wild ride the likes of which we haven’t seen for a few years.

Next up, the Minis. With relish, on we go.

Go Away Now

Sandman

About Author

The Celtic Star founder and editor, who has edited numerous Celtic books over the past decade or so including several from Lisbon Lions, Willie Wallace, Tommy Gemmell and Jim Craig. Earliest Celtic memories include a win over East Fife at Celtic Park and the 4-1 League Cup loss to Partick Thistle as a 6 year old. Best game? Easy 4-2, 1979 when Ten Men Won the League. Email editor@thecelticstar.co.uk

2 Comments

  1. …”freaking out the home support with his ‘spectre of Broony in the noonday sun’ depiction. “ 👍😎

  2. Rob O’Keeffe on

    What a pleasure it is to watch this team,no,not a statement from Boyd or Laugherty.Did you see serial loser McInnes and his assistant laughing at something Laugherty was trying to put to them during one of the water breaks? Thought Taylor was excellent,why were the inbreds intent on kicking the sh.t out of him? C’mon PSV,put these over hyped bams to the slaughter this week.