Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at Salem’s Lot

CALMAC – 7/10 – Just when you needed him – for the fifth time this season the skipper scores from outside the box, bewildering Jamesy. Unable to command proceedings under persistent pressure on that laughable ‘pitch’ and the game bypassing midfield, his major influence today was psychological – a matter of keeping heads in the game and focussed. Then, as we’re struggling to make half-time level, up he steps and thrashes one in from forty yards*. Boss move. Kept us churning through the second 45, awaiting the openings for quality to seal the deal. Now, rest.

💪 “Big man came up with some great saves today”
🧤 “This was a big measuring stick for how far we’ve come”

Callum McGregor and Kasper Schmeichel on Celtic’s 2-0 win at Kilmarnock ⬇️ pic.twitter.com/19qakOBGMC

— Sky Sports Scotland (@ScotlandSky) November 10, 2024

*sort of.

THE TERMINATOR – 5/10 – Tripped, clipped, hustled, bumped, poked, cracked off the ball, dragged down; generally beat up and kicked around until he was stifled and hooked with sore baws. Thank goodness our class players get the necessary protection from officials in this country…

HAKUNA HATATE – 6/10 – Red card! Red card! You could hear the orgasmic squeals from Tory HQ. But Reo’s a gentleman, hardly caressed the Killie shin with his toes as he pulled his leg away on impending contact. And don’t just take my word for it, Zombie lurkers – take it from one of yer own as Deek McInnes comes out after the game and declares he didn’t think it was a red either; har-de-har, poppies POPPED right there in a shower of sweet opiate to soften the pain…Reo’s lengthy participation in this game was puzzling – least suited to that surface. But he acquitted himself well enough, always looking for the killer pass and move, which is what I guess he was kept on for.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6.5/10 – No Donald Ducks given as Daizen motors around, all-terrain tyres on for the plastic adventure. And he stayed lively, persistent and a threat as ever, nearly making the difference on a few occasions and landing a few tasty digs as well, in that inscrutable style.

DUNCAN IDAHO – 3/10 – Smiles a lot. But so does Donkey from Shrek, and it’s probably got a better touch. You play centre-forward for Celtic you need to be tuned from minute one – a chance came early to set us off but lack of awareness and skill evaporated it tamely.

Took a flying forearm to the face that still didn’t rouse him, and right before the opener, again sharpness was lacking as Kuhn prodded in a subtle ball just asking to be swept home. Mercifully, he failed to get a touch on Calmac’s goal. Kept expecting a revival, but clumsiness plagued him all game until switched-out. Got to do better to justify the price and his Celtic place. This ain’t Norwich, big guy, so let’s stop playing like you’ve got webbed fingers and toes like the locals.

TAKINTE – 7.5/10 – Zing! From a lightning burst early, you felt he was the Germhan to make a difference. SHOULD have done that when played right in off a one-two with Kyogo but foiled by ex-Zombie-ginge offender- apprentice. Second time, though, he was away on the wing, rapid, cutting-in, then cutely whipping the ball inside the far post with that magical left peg. What a season he’s having.

CONTINUED ON THE NEXT PAGE…