Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Cthulhu’s Spawn

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v CTHULHU’S SPAWN

“Evil is evil. Lesser, greater, middling, makes no difference. The degree is arbitrary, the definitions blurred. If I’m to choose between one evil and another, I’d rather not choose at all. Certainly not those Edinburgh parasites.” – Geralt Of Rivia.

VINDALOO – 7/10 – A Celtic keeper’s domestic job is to avoid nasty surprises. And, therefore, Vinny did his on cue – those early sluggish moments providing the Gorgie gargoyles with exciting openings; took a sharp hand to deflect a certain tap-in, and minutes later a terrific point-blank reaction save kept us level and awaiting the outfield to finish their lunch. Distribution was a bit ropey, but understandable due to game-time and communication issues.

SCHLUPPTHE ‘RA – 8/10 MOTM – Shaken by his first derby experience, today was marginally less intense but no more aesthetically pleasing, given the away corner was once again host to frothing grubby loyalist trampitude from the darkened alleys and molestways of the capital’s sleaziest districts. Big Jeff gave us a rousing show to smash the boogeymen, though – Maradona-ed his way out of the deep after a quarter of an hour of being pinned back, then was instrumental in the opener with a quick-witted clip into Calmac to spark the move. Powered his way through himself later, for a goal which would have capped a great display, only to be foiled by former Celtic shot-stopper supreme.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6.5/10 – After his derby calamity, today was the day AJ found stability again. Spent his intervening fortnight sparring with big lumbering American sprick, Carter-Vickers*, in the Moosemen-Trumptown international clash to exorcise some of the demons. Back at consistent no-nonsense reliability this afternoon; all-round competent.

*in the interests of equality.

GET CARTER – 7/10 – Another out to expel his derby woes after suffering a frustrating time in his Nations League exploits, losing and being involved in a barny with mouthy Moose-worrying geek Johnston* as the Yankee Dandies lost to the Grizzly Goosers for the first time since ‘Nam or something. CCV’s scrap today was with their Dutch powerhouse centre, AND Clancy Drew – spent the first-half being penalised for scowling whilst being randomly groped. But he came through in the end to dominate the backline. Normal service resumed, by the looks of it.

*in the interests of equality. “I love you both equally…”

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