Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v The Angus Catacombs

CALMAC – 4.5/10 – Well, he tried – in sporadic bursts – to take control and prompt something. But the lack of immediate support and the options ahead as hooped jerseys faded in and out of the ether left the skipper a frustrated figure. Not entirely his doing, as we’ll propose (again) later.

NEGAN – 2/10 – Nope, still irritatingly lightweight and predictable. Unless he’s the sole point of midfield penetration (Ladies…) through the middle, he fades badly, drifting pointlessly around the channels.

HAKUNA HATATE – 6.5/10 MOTM – Well, at least we got some Reo action after the opening quarter: he became the man most likely as his drifting DID take effect; beautiful pitch to lay on KT, slammed one close himself, then denied a cert by some flukey arseball in the six-yard box. Looked our best creative option. Like Calmac, though, let down by the midfield set-up which doesn’t afford him as many opportunities to be inventive as we would benefit from, due to Negan running around hysterically beside him.

YING – 0/10 – Birmingyang, still here. Still offering nothing of note. Still favoured ahead of more proven players, and keeping guys with something to prove, out of the side. Why?

TUTANKHAMUN – 2/10 – Damn, it’s the Tunisian Mikey J after all, by the looks of it. Then again, Mikey torched Dundee here a couple of seasons back with a great double; Sorry, Mikey. But Tut’s in trouble if he can’t move that Sand-Dancer-O-Meter needle from tipping towards, ‘Fairy Dust Feet’. Promise gave way to ultimate ineffectiveness, compounded by feckless wandering to give possession away for their second
goal.

ITCHYCOO PARK – 6/10 – A trier, we have. Despite getting less service than Jimmy Bs abandoned dogging camper van (hell, you know…) Kelechi proved our most dangerous forward proposition, clipping a post and denied at close-range by a top save.

Continues on the next page…