SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC V COUSINS
3-1 25/08/19
“It’s not just the Rangers, you know. Misbehaviour is widespread in Scottish football. And spread-wide misbehaviour sums up me too when I’m hassling thon big Grown-up sexy-pest Harry Potter for a bicycle pump.”
A Budgie, Heart Of MiddleEarth Voodoo Matriarch.
THE WALL – 6/10
Almost a great return to Paradise for the Great Wall. Dumb booking early on as he was reminded this ain’t the sleepy Southampton suburbs. Then came the save from the dubious penalty. Then came the rebound crashed past him to spoil his clean sheet.
In between episodes of drama the Gran Muralla was so little occupied he was tagged by two graffiti gangs – one, The Calton Costa Coffee Crew: a progressive social justice warrior alliance dedicated to a modern snowflake worldview whose tag is a weeping coffee bean graphic. Below that on his jersey is scrawled ‘Tongs Ya Bass!’ – a counter-culture organisation here to remind us a of the good old days…
AJER – 7.5/10
‘Viking marauder tears up Minis left wing’, is the headline in the Norse Raiders Observer. Another stint at right back gave big Kris ample room and opportunity to attack and deliver some dangerous balls. Amazing to see him given so much space – he became a focal point for some searching cross-field passes all second-half. But that’s the benefit we get when the opposition manager’s tactics are mainly concerned with how to tease his chairperson’s p***s out his Queer Eye For The Straight Guy goatee ensemble.
JULLIEN CLARY – 7/10
Trust him for IKEA? Trust him for Mordor? Well… We’re going to know this time next week IF we have a £7 million defensive rock-star or be suspicious that Rafael Scheidt spent a bit of time playing around in France at Celtic’s expense back in the 90s.
Today he was combative, winning plenty important challenges if not completely reassuring – but I do recall big Virgil often being the same. Players like him may need the big games to properly bring them to life and draw out the best in them. Zero hour is coming.
BITTON – 7/10
Bored all first-half, tried a Beckham on half-time. Spent the interval getting the Colin Nish ripped in the dressing room. Said it before – he’s the perfect centre-back fit for games like this against SPFL dross who come to sit deep. Nir has the wonderful pure football ability about him to step up as an additional midfielder and pick a pass. Plus he’s tough as tackety bits despite being built like a racing snake. Big player for the nine.
BOLIWOOD – 6.5
Hit and miss. Need more hit than miss; And we’re getting it – vast percentage of his game is erring on the positive side. He’s got a good engine and was dynamic for 90 in the heat. Loves a forward run, bursts with enthusiasm. Yet he too is about to be judged on the first of next month. Don’t think he’ll hide, looks the type to get wired in. A good thing.
BROON – 7/10
Culpable once again? Nah. Penalty yer arse. Or if you’re Gollum, stonewaller, despite the ball breaking off Broony and away from the goal. Wee Wullie Wonker was even looking right at it, so no magical bottom-mounted (or inserted) periscope to point to the spot in the same box he ‘sensed’ Broadfoot collapsing all those years ago. Which was actually due to syphillis and not the dive we all slaughtered him for.
Today, in raging conditions, our favourite rager went about his captain’s business as always with minimum fuss and maximum impact. Particularly good to see Broony ramp up the bloodlust for Mordor, tuning himself in by picking a fight late on with their hobbit-eating battle-giant, I-kazoo.
CALMAC – 7.5/10
Pretty mute first 45 for the Pudgy Pirlo, flashed good ball across goal early, generally metronomed his way around. But second half he came to life, zipping passes and iced the groupie’s face with a RIPPER beyond the keeper’s despairing dive to give us breathing space at 2-0. If he’s been quiet, it hopefully means he’s conserving energy. He’s due to hit some devastating form anytime soon and take control of matches.
CORPUS CHRISTIE – 7.5/10
What an engine the Son Of Man has. Resources of a marathon-running camel to maintain his relentless pursuit of the ball in today’s temperatures. Fantastic ball to Jamesy to set up the first, quick feet to lay on the second for Calmac, deserved a goal himself for his incessant forward runs into space.
SAM JACKSON – 6.5/10
It’s a beautiful m…..f….’ Sunday when there’s a M****f***a in the DAMN startin’ line-up. But would selectin’ a righteous M>>>>f>>>u on the day of the LORD bring m<<<<f<<<<n’ fruits and lay down vengeance upon them, like a M****f***a?
Well, M****f***a i so cool he wearing’ loooong sleeve in 80 dee-grees, M****f***as. Got his hands dirty and stuck in – no hidin’ from m<<<<f<<<<n’ gargoyles from Gorgie. An’ them biatches be m<<<<f<<<<n’ slain.
An’ here’s the thang – clear as DAMN day when this M****f***a subbed from the Amphitheare Of M<<<<f<<<<n’ Awesome on the 68th minute for Retro M****f***aMikey that this M****f***a’s presence brings a crucial element – CONTROL, M****f***as.
In that engine-room beside that pudgy passin’ petite Pirlo M****f***a an’ captain crazy-horse M****f***a, THIS M****f***a forms a game-runnin’ trinity, leaving that Holy Ghost M****f***a to career around like a demented Cuckoo’s Nest M****f***a and do some m<<<<f<<<<n’ damage.
As in – play this M****f***a in a central mifdfield three and we run the DAMN m<<<<f<<<<n’ show.
FORREST – 6.5/10
Sun out, heat on max. Usually Jamesy would be in a Prestwick beer garden, complaining to cute glass collectors that there were wasps in his glass and they’d better take it away. But, of course, there’d be something more special dangling in the glass than a wasp when it was collected, ladies…
And today, Jamesy conserved his special treats for effective moments, floating in and out the game like a muscular butterfly and stinging like a special cock-wasp when it mattered – great ball for the first, switching wings to draw them around second-half; interestingly, plays with more freedom when given licence to drift.
SON OF A GUN – 8/10 MOTM
Well, here comes yer Sunday surprise. A starting berth for the ‘project’ many had written-off. Surged at them early on, swashbuckled amid their backline looking more like the rapier striker of his youtube clips.
Great defensive work too, put himself about, gave big ancient gargoyle skipper Berra a torrid afternoon; Hustled him for the first, great run across him for the second, almost notched another out-jumping him and hit the back post.
Now we ponder whether he’s a stayer or an anomally in the matrix. Is the languid African, our deadly Black Mamba (© me) going to be the surprise package of the season, something usually reserved for Jamesy’s recreational hours, or will the mineshafters prophecies fulfil and he’ll disappear in ignomy?
Well, with optimism, let’s hope this was a beginning and not a freak event.
Bayo… Bayo… Bayo… pic.twitter.com/Em58Z7OANQ
— North Curve Celtic (@NCCeltic) August 25, 2019
SUBS:
GRIFF – N/A
On to bewilderment for a few late minutes. ‘Whae the feck’s that? he mouthed as Bayo walked past him. Thankfully he recognised most of the others wearing Hoops on the park. Spent his remaining time fruitlessly searching for Rudi Skatchel to wind up.
MIKEY J – 5/10
Twenty minutes for the throwback synthesiser superkid. Spun a bit, like an old 45, like Dead or Alive – right round – but was mostly closed down despite promising movement and footwork. Must have noticed his Hearts lookalike playing left back for them – Hickey, or lovebite, or something, sporting the Mikey J Eighties bouffant. Unfortunately for the Edinburgh doppleganger, his over-coiffuring has left him more with the appearance of a politically-agitated lesbian than our homegrown wunderkind.
RASLSTON – N/A
Tony the Tiger romped on as Ajer retired. Went through the motions to see out the game, although flirted with calamity in his own box for an anxious few seconds. Just clear it, son.
LENNONY – 7.5/10
Eyebrows raised and grumbling voices lowered as the teamsheet appeared. But this time the manager’s shuffle didn’t result in disaster. Instead, a new striking option gets serious mentions on the supporters lips, and we may have gained an understanding of the right midfield combination to dominate and punish effectively – Ntcham, Broon, Calmac: a trinity, Christie floating, Jamesy surging either wing. I say, ‘we’ – that may not include Lennony…
However, another victory on the road to NINE. I hope I’m writing that with glee next Sunday evening. 3 down, 35 to go.
OVERALL – 7/10
Always a possibly banana skin when the Half Horribles roll up. They like to get in our faces and unsettle to the point of nicking a goal. It has worked at Gargoylie for them but it gladdened my cold heart to see them suffer in the heat of Paradise today. This was an all-round professional, defending-champions’ performance.
The framework of the side was re-arranged but, as mentioned, it paid off with benefits which might be utilised long-term; we will see. Overall it was encouraging to witness a player emerge from the shadows of hope as well as the squad and make a his mark in such an important position.
Now let’s go to Thursday and progress with ta similar minimum of fuss we exhibited to deal with today.
Go Away Now.
Sandman, Done With The Sun.
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Bitter Goal Thief Levein Claims Bayo didn’t score today – both OGs according to Hearts Boss…see HERE.
Celtic 3 Hearts 1 – Bayo’s Beautiful Sunday…see HERE.
UEFA stamp on the ‘Racist and Sectarian’ Rangers support – The politics of the Celtic Songbook…see HERE.
We Want Wanyama! ‘If Carlsberg did dreams’, ‘I’d give my right ball to have him back in the Hoops’…see HERE.
‘I can’t rest on my laurels,’ says hungry Celtic Star, ‘I’m absolutely a better player now’…see HERE.
Willie Maley v Jimmy McGrory. If you know the history – Celtic at birth, 50 & 100: Part 11 – August 1938…see HERE.
