Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v The Feral Bairns

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v THE FERAL BAIRNS…

‘The uncanny valley phenomenon is an eerie or unsettling feeling that some people experience in response to
not-quite-human figures like humanoid robots and lifelike computer-generated characters. Or deid football clubs and their supporters, who even refer to themselves as ‘zombies’…’

– Google ‘Uncanny Valley Theory’ explanation.

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – Who are you? Where’s Vindaloo? Unexpectedly, Kasper got no rest because he’s not been wicked enough. Which cannot be said for the whip on the strike that startled and beat him early on, or the uncontested header that left him flat-footed as a kettling polis. Recovered some concept of reality to make a blinding save at the death that ensured normal service was finally resumed. ‘What the hell?’ was his general response to those incredulous circumstances of the preceding afternoon, more suited to a Monty Python movie than his Celtic swansong biopic. And now for something completely different…(See what I did there, Cleese afficionados?)

TONY THE TIGER – 6/10 – While others may toil, Tony will scrap. Enjoyed the better of the first half frenzy down our right but lost his head and man for that bemusing second right on the break. However, if you ever needed somebody behind the wire with you, it’s The Brickie – immersed in the recovery through the second 45, forcing them back, sizzling in some deliveries, showed great poise under pressure and a berating crowd to hold the ball
then play a killer pass on the second equaliser. Taking one for the team at the end as a red card rewarded an attempted kneecap was just another day on-site.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 5/10 – This ain’t the slumdog millionaire lower-tier EPL or Chumpionship, ‘dude’. It’s Celtic and expectations are high. Not so, ‘less-than’ Trusty’s concentration levels or focus. Dithering at the first, casting a glance at their striker latching onto a loose break and sniggering ‘Aye, man, go on then – hit i…”. Caught on the ball, misusing the ball, slow reactions off the ball – really needed an experienced Celtic defender by his side to nurse him through his traumatic exposure to frenzied minions out for glory. If only he’d had one…

RAQUEL – 4/10 – It’s seemingly one or the other with the lesser-spotted glamour queen these days. Has rewarded faith with some storming cameos but therein always lurks the possibility of a real box-office flop. Anguishingly, today was a strained interpretation of a script that simply read, ‘Get through with minimum fuss or drama.’ Shaky, slack, uncertain and indecisive; embodied all the traits you don’t want in your pivotal defender. ‘Manager’s pet’ tag is going to become a burden with any more input like this.

Continued on the next page…