SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v HIBHEROIN League Cup Semi
“Accounts? You want accounts? How about 1, 2, 3…I could go on, I’m here all week…Or how about an account of how Pennywise the clown taught me this eye trick? That’s all the accounts I got to smile about…”
Dave King stand-up routine at the Comedy Klub, Edmiston Drive, Glasgow
Dear Santa,
Thought I’d get this in early as stocks are sure to run out soon:
Popcorn,
Jelly,
Ice Cream.
Thanks, Sandman
THE WALL – 6.5/10
So impenetrable that Trump’s asked to clone him. Great footwork displayed but no chance with either Hibs goal. Everything else he handled with consummate ease.
PINGPONG – 7.5/10
And the wee Mhan gets the big gig and he does not freeze, not in a million years – coincidentally the same time it will take the Rangers to post balanced accounts. And what pace and guile and toughness he displayed – LMFAO, what a wee player we got for the cost of a Morelos *and *ob (in Colombian pesos, according to Gichard Rough)…
AJER – 8/10
Is he Iron Age or is he Silicon Age? No, He’s probably Fintech Age and kudos if you understood that. Totally on his game for this major Treble leg, and exemplified how to negotiate Hampden pressure with his stoical resistance when we’d conceded soft goals.
JULLIEN CLARY – 7/10
Smashed about very early-on with an elbow by Hibee jakey enforcer, it was reassuring just to see him compete admirably for the rest of the game. Nasty head-knocks will not deny our VVD MkII when it comes to making
his mark and sealing his team’s win – a very good thing to note.
JAMIE FOXX – 6/10
Missing Wednesday as he was out guising as Jamie Foxx. So a recall for the big game, cementing him as number one left-back although he’s mostly to be found fifty yards in advance, like a scout on a battlefield. Ludicrous bad
fortune at edge of box when his tackle inadvertently set up their first. Then, suddenly, come H-T he was gone, hamstring the current prognosis. Heal soon, Jamie.
BROON – 8.5/10 MOTM
Is that a moon, Honey? No, it’s the fecking Death Star. And who’s at the helm? – why, THE Celtic captain of this century; a man so focussed on his ultimate glory – the TEN – he’ll willingly sacrifice his own life, but only behind that of the opposition keeper, who had the misfortune to mishandle and parry into the path of Mr.Destiny. A double. His Celtic history will be the ambition of millions to come. Hail the new Cesar.
CALMAC – 7/10
Marvellous tap-in for a goal he’s deserved over months of travail. Looked like he was enjoying himself from the start, although he lost a bit of a grip on proceedings after their second; more like an example of everyone losing their momentum at the same time. Saw us through to yet another final; expect him to enforce his superiority on such a game.
ROGIC – 6.5/10
There he was, the surprise inclusion, but at Hampden – scene of his most glorious moment in the Hoops. Could he shake off the ennui of recent warm-up appearances? Well, some of his passing first-half was guileful enough to flummox Death itself in The Seventh Seal; incisive balls through their inside channels scattered the pieces across the chessboard and let us prey upon the chaos. He faded, but that is what Big Oz does until he gets the full 90 fitness and ultimate glory in his sights.
FORREST – 7/10
The purveyor of the evening’s WTF? moment. With Prestwick bars poised at Defcon ‘INCOMING’ our most prolifically destructive player was whipped off the park quicker than he can whip it out on your average glass-collector’s Saturday night run. Only Lennony will have the reasoning he was hooked after a fine game’s tantalising and teasing, post-hitting and bitterly unlucky not to score, yet digging out the cross of the season to provide our opener. My explanation – hadn’t shaved all week…
ELSHAGYONLASSIE – 8/10
Well, he’s enjoying himself. Popping up everywhere he shouldn’t be, thanks to the excellent movement of his compatriots – got a double, remains the project that might be the season difference; we will watch and hope he doesn’t get complacent – remember, El, – you’re not a real Bhoy in the Hoops until you’ve papped THEMS
senseless with a hat-trick. Great scoring start, though.
FRENCH EDDY – 7.5/10
Fantastic solo front play. How many times did he drop-off his markers and turn on them? Twice he set-up our goals, many a time he could have scored or provided more. He is beginning to understand and play that solo-role brilliantly, but the lament of ‘if only’ chimes in when we consider how lethal he might be given a suitable strike-partner. How about those set-ups for our goals? Deft.
SUBS:
CORPUS – N/A
On he came because it was almost Sunday and nobody wants to feck with his Dad, or his maybe-Dad… And definitely not at the sacred site of his announcing to the metaverse his vital bearing upon The Snake’s Celtic destiny.
HAYES – 6.5/10
Thou shalt not deny the Hayes. Across time and space his mere presence will alter the course of mankind. Or lend a helping hand, like in May’s final where his reserve-choice appearance was but a footnote in the ‘Trust Johnny To Win the Day’ quantum-relativity project. Play Johnny, win Johnny. Johnny wins, history is perplexed.
HAT ATTACK – N/A
The big guy looke das bewildered as us when he was asked to replace our player of the year without ever being as high up the park as Jamesy’s favoured position. Yet the big trooper appeared, did no wrong, let wee Pingpong wander about as glazed as us.
LENNONY – 8/10
Juggled his first-choice yet again, and yet again flummoxed his opponent with a side dynamically atuned to relentless attack which had them pinned back against their game-plan and unable to do much without conceding two goals within the first fifteen minutes. Win a cup game in the first twenty minutes is the football mantra ringing through the decades; a truism still viable now as it was when Billy McNeill first kicked John Greig’s
head off; Legitimately.
However, the second-half changes – Whit?! Hopefully those more sober than me will offer rational explanations around the Flying Flasher quid pro quo. However, despite the above, it should be stated that Lennony sent out the message – no fecking around. And his side, inspired by Captain Marvel (without the t*ts), eventually saw them off. A job done well. A final in the bag.
OVERALL – 8/10
It was Halloween after all – so we turned up dressed as Borussia Dortmund and they chose to go as Prince-meets-Wall-Street with their purple Gordon Geko pinstripe Leith-drug-dealer craving-acceptance jammies.
So we all roll home from the shallow eaves of hollow Hampden a lot more relieved than we might have anticipated even though we papped five past them; somehow because it’s Hibs there seems to be a supernatural air of jinxing jockeying with reality in the pyro smog.
Yet, the Bhoys did it with some style to spare and some great memories to ingest. There’s the first port of call on the historical treasure map notched-in with the point of Broony’s cutlass for next month. Could have been a tricky tea-time expedition to grimy Hamdump but the Bhoys know there’s history in the making and played like they had their stories written; Victory for the righteous.
So there goes Heckingbottom – a name like something you catch from a gay Yorkshire farmer – whining about offside decisions; how about penalties for basketball? That’s Unionist MPs waving flags for you…
The players – atuned as they are – will be ready for any challenge. We, the support, will get our jolies from Sunday’s
Bear sh***baggery when they bottle it from absentee S*x-P*st Harry Potter’s Neglected Nandos’ dead-cat bounce, or Jambos, or whatever the Trainspotting boys slated their supremacist Empirical rivals.
May the most filthy fascist enclave (toss a coin tomorrow…) lose the right to play the magnificent Hoops in the first leg of the QUADROPHENIA REBEL TREBLE!
We are there. Bring them on.
Go Away Now.
Sandman
ALSO ON THE CELTIC STAR AFTER CELTIC’S 5-2 WIN OVER HIBS…
“I’ve had enough now”: This is how it feels to be a Hibs fan after emphatic loss to Celtic
“All I want for Christmas”: These fans urge Celtic to sign Elyounoussi on a permanent basis
Together as one into the #BetfredCup final! 🍀💥 #Bhoys #CelticFC #HibCel pic.twitter.com/0tcZ13pECl
— Jeremie Frimpong (@JeremieFrimpong) November 2, 2019
